Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
