my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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