1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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