id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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