what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
