some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
