I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
