If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
