after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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