my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
