i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
