he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
