Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize