In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
