Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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