i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
bring money and cleavage
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize