When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
