if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
