so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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