If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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