The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
