I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
