he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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