you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
