As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
