Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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