Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You ruined the universe
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
