i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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