So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
