so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
