If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we made out on top of his cat.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
