I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
