Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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