My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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