woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a beard to bite.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
