Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
