Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
