I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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