i think my mom watched the whole time
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
