Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
