just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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