I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
