I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
