I faked an abortion last night.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
