What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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