i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
