i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
