turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
