Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
