please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
