My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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