You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what day is it and did you see me today?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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