You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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