I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
