I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
