Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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